If you are looking for lighthearted, funny parenting quotes then you have come to the right place!
Parenting doesn’t always FEEL funny but these top 100 funny parenting quotes are oh so true and will make you laugh out loud and feel less alone in your quest to be a great parent.
1 – My kids are turning out just like me. Well played karma, well played.
2 – The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children – Clarence Day
3 – Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. ~ Ralph Bus.
4 – Those moments you hope your kid’s sass will help them lead a company and not a gang in prison.
5 –Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble. Martin Mull
6 – Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare. End Asner
7 – Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away.
8 – I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors. Percy French
9 – My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
10 – People say “Go big or go home” as if going home were a bad thing. Hell yeah I want to go home. And I’m going to take a nap when I get there.
11 – 90% of parenting is thinking about when you can lie down again.
12 – Parenting was much easier when I was raising my non-existent kid hypothetically.
13 – Parenthood – the scariest hood you’ll ever go through.
14 – Ever had a job where you had no experience, no training, you weren’t allowed to quit and people’s lives were at stake. That’s parenting.
15 – Don’t yell at your kids. Lean in real close and whisper; it’s much scarier.
16 –The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them. Anonymous
17 – One day I’ll be thankful that my kid is strong willed but that will not be today, not in this grocery store.
18 – When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “please forget.’
19 – Having one child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee. David Frost
20 – My kids will walk right past their father sitting on the couch and come bang on the shower door for me to open a fruit snack.
21 – “So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story.
22 – Having a two year old is like owning a blender that you don’t have the top for – Jerry Seinfeld
23 – Before becoming a parent I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s life by asking them to put pants on…
24 – People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one. – Leo Burk
25 – Becoming a mom to me means you have accepted that for the next 16 years you will have a sticky purse – Nia Vandalos
26 – A perfect metaphor for parenting is trying to stand up in a hammock without spilling your wine.
27 – The truth about parenting is, if you are going crazy, you are probably doing it right.
28 – You can learn many things from your children. How much patience you have, for instance. Franklin P. Jones
29 – Great parenting lies somewhere between “don’t do that” and “ah, what the hell.”
30 – Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.
31 – Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time to go to bed.
32 – Don’t be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for days and didn’t notice.
33 – Having children is like living in a frat house…Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up. Ray Romano
34 – Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller
35 – All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and then success is sure. Mark Twain
36 – I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse. Dave Barry
37 – All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them. Erica Bombeck
38 – Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. Phyllis Diller
39 – If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent. Kelly Oxford
40 – Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was. Jenny McCarthy
41 – Sooner or later we all quote our mothers. Bern Williams
42 – Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller
43 – Oh sorry, you don’t like apples? I must have confused you with the child who ate 4 bloody apples yesterday.
44 – I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself.
45 – The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
46 – It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” — Fredrick Douglas
47 – Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories. — John Wilmot
48 – Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. Jim Bishop.
49 – Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of. Bruce Lansky
50 – If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children. Susan Savannah
51 – I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
52 – Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed. – Eat Pray Love
53 – Sometimes being a good parent means hiding in the pantry and eating all of the fudgsicles over the course of a day so the kids don’t have to. Kelly Oxford
54 – When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.
55 – A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. Ralph Emerson
56 – I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. Robert Orben
57 – The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires. ― Dorothy Parker
58 – Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth. Peter Ustinov
59 – Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is.
60 – What is a home without children. Quiet. Henny Youngman
61 – You know you’re old when you barely do anything all day, but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything.
62 – When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. Erma Bombeck
63 – Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable. Kelly Oxford
64 – Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own. Doug Larson
65 – Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy. Michelle Pfeiffer
66 – To be a successful father there is one absolute rule: when you have a kid don’t look at it for the first two years. Ernest Hemingway
67 – Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer. ― Jodi Picoult
68 – Yes, please get a new cup every time you need to drink water- said no mom, ever.
69 – “Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.”
70 – I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. Harry S. Truman
71 – Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for. Ogden Nash
72 -We’re always bluffing, pretending we know best, when most of the time we’re just praying we won’t screw up too badly. – Jodi Picoult, House Rules
73 –I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. Dave Barry
74 – A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops. Maurice Johnston
75 – “I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.― Brian Andreas
76 – Recipe for Iced Coffee: 1) Have kids, 2) Make coffee, 3) Forget you made coffee, 4) Drink it cold
77 –The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing. ~ Kin Hubbard
78 – My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time. ~ Karen Brown
79 –Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too. Lionel Kauffman
80 –If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. Dave Barry
81 – Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids. Sam Levenson
82 – My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck
83 –It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner. Ben Bergor
84 – I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”. ~ Anonymous
85 –A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes. Russell Lynes
86 – The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet. – Bill Cosby
87 –The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest. Unknown
88 –You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation. Unknown
89 – When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde
90 –And then I thought to myself, “What’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?”
91 –Parenting will eventually produce bizarre behaviour, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behaviour is always normal. Bill Cosby
92 –I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. Roseanne Barr
93 – Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
94 –The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed. Anonymous
95 –A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. Bill Vaughan
96 –When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Nora Ephron
97 –Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. ~ Marcelene Cox
98 –Never have more children than you have car windows.
99 – I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.
100 -Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty. Julia Roberts