funny parenting tweets

100 funny parenting tweets

 

If you are looking for lighthearted, funny parenting tweets then you have come to the right place! It’s all thanks to Twitter who has introduced the world to some pretty funny parents.

 

Parenting doesn’t always FEEL funny but these top 100 funny parenting tweets are oh so true and will make you not only giggle but feel less alone in your quest to be a great parent.

 

 

1 – Parenthood is: Telling your kids they can’t eat brownies for breakfast, then eating brownies for breakfast after they leave for school. @migardmomma

 

2 – I wish someone would threaten to put me to bed for a change.  @onefunnymummy

 

3 – Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently that’s not allowed if the baby is yours. @mommyshorts

 

4 – Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night. @hypercrazy

 

5 – If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal. It’s science. @SarcasticMommy4

 

6 – Parenting: when even going to hell sounds like fun as long as you can go by yourself. @BPMbadassmama

 

7 – Roughly 80% of a parent’s job on any given family outing is just holding stuff. Here, hold this. @domesticgoddss

 

8 – If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “let me help you with that Mom” I’d have zero dollars. @Candace_Dx

 

9 – What you say: Don’t bounce that ball in the house. What the child hears: bounce a different ball in the house. @moooooog35

 

10 – Never, and I mean NEVER make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep. They will sense your excitement and abort mission! @caffeineandf

 

11 – *looks up from the phone* “Kids!! We’re leaving the playground in 22 percent.” @abhorrent_wife

 

12 – “I’m not a waitress. This is not a restaurant.” Then my kids laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. @marlebean

 

13 – My kids have this weird superpower where they’re able to find the most annoying people on YouTube @TheMichaelRock

 

14 – In case you are wondering, the loudest sound in the world is my kid screaming, “Are you pooping?!?” in a public restroom. @unfilteredmama

 

15 – “Will I ever live in a clean house again?” *shakes magic 8 ball *magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess @WorkingMom86

 

16 – Toy sits in toy basket for 5 months: *is played with zero times*. Toy sits in trash/giveaway box for 1 day: *is cherished and fought over – might as well be a 3 foot tall talking lollipop* @MacqyveringM22

 

17 – Well, you’re up early.  Me greeting my children every morning since they were born. @thatevanslady

 

18 – Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run. @amydillon

 

19 – Before I had kids, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by saying, “Get dressed, please.” @SarcasticMommy4

 

20 – The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours and 10 minutes and apparently pants go in the fridge now. @outsmartedmommy

 

21 – Me, to kids: “It’s important to share your things; sharing is caring.” Also Me: “Guys, STOP TOUCHING MY STUFF!!” @Six_Pack_Mom

 

22 – <Commercial for Parenting> Have you ever wanted to say “Mommy can’t look right now; she’s driving” 426 times during your commute? @KateWouldHaveIt

 

23 – You know you’ve grown a lot as a parent when you watch your kid lick something in public and think, “Eh. He’s licked worse.” @PerfectPending

 

24 – Nothing like a black-mold filled rubber ducky to make you question all your parenting thus far. @PetrickSara

 

25 – You know it’s gonna be a good day when you threaten to cancel two birthday parties before 9am. #ParentingGoals @kimmcreight

 

26 – The way my toddler reacts to me coming up to his face with a tissue is the same way you’d react if I came up to your face with a nail gun. @kelly_eberle

 

27 – The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation. @UnfilteredMama

 

28 – Good morning. My 3 year old is pouting because her orange is too juicy. @yenniwhite

 

29 – I’m amazed at how hard I have to work just to maintain a messy house. @Fiveoclockmommy

 

30 – I’m at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without a lid. @simoncholland

 

31 – Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.” Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.” @Rollinintheseat

 

32 – My kids have more toothpaste on their bathroom counter than I’ve used on my teeth in two years. @yenniwhite

 

33 – Sorry, I’m busy attending a stuffed animal wedding – Mom Life @divatura

 

34 – Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their icecream. @ConanObrien

 

35 – Well, our cable TV is out so now I have no idea who’s gonna watch the kids tonight. @moooooog35

 

36 – I’m like the MC Hammer of moms because I too am constantly telling people not to touch things and also my pants fit weird. @muthr_goose

 

37 – If only the objective of parenting was to raise really loud kids, I would be killing it. @JimGaffigan

 

38 –Apparently a 2 year old getting her hair washed and an exorcism sound oddly similar. @jnyemb

 

39 – Dear Parents: you will learn the true meaning of patience waiting for your kids to fall asleep on Christmas Eve. @SharonDV

 

40 – Whomever dubbed the three-toed sloth the slowest mammal in the world, obviously hasn’t met my five-toed child. @R_A_Dadass

 

41 – Me: I made pork. 3yo: I don’t like pork. Me: It’s chicken. 3yo: Oh, yeah, I like that kind of chicken. @AmateurIdiot

 

42 – Every game my kids play has the same two rules: 1) Make as much noise as humanly possible. 2) Make sure someone cries at the end. @XplodingUnicorn

 

43 – “When you come back inside you can clean your rooms and unload the dishwasher!” is a great way to keep the kids outside for hours. @FunnyIsFamily

 

44 – My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game. @katewhinehall

 

45 – It’s (some special them) Day. I have to wear (something they don’t own) today – kids, 30 minutes before school starts. @moooooog35

 

46 – Me: *sings along to radio* 3yo: why don’t you let it sing all by itself? @ToastyGiraffe

 

47 – WIFE: Our son  shouldn’t play those violent Xbox games; he’s only 8. ME: Yeah, let’s do something as a family. (Later) SON: I think the professor was strangled in the library with a rope. @ArfMeasures

 

48 – I have more privacy when I shower at the gym than when I shower at home. @mom_toddler

 

49 – Are there any parenting books that recommend taking your kid’s iPad, throwing it like a frisbee into a sewer and then spinning and laughing maniacally in the street in front of your house while your kids are asleep inside? @DonovanWoods

 

50 – Mondays are hard. Mondays with kids are some type of human survival experiment. @OutsmartedMommy

 

51 – It’s easy to judge the seriousness of an injury by my 4yo’s refusal to accept a non-character-themed band aid. Verdict: Not Very Serious. @mommyshorts

 

52 – Toddlers are just stalkers that live with you. @CallMeDraper

 

53 – Fact: a 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away. @lurkathomemom

 

54 – Remember before kids how you could do things uninterrup…. @OneFunnyMummy

 

55 – Someone asked me what the toughest thing about being a parent was….I told them I would have to say it’s the children. @SwedishCanary

 

56 – And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids. @tchrquotes

 

57 – Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere. @thisonesayz

 

58 – My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses. @workingmom86

 

59 – Nothing tests a parent’s sanity like a kid who recently learned to whistle. @MandiCastle

 

60 – Christmas is over and the kids got lots of new stuff so they should be thoroughly entertained for at least the next 5 to 6 minutes. @thebabylady7

 

61 – Just dry shampoo’d and Febreze’d my kid on his way out of the door so no I’m not really interested in your family’s morning chore chart, Laura @valeegrrl

 

62 – 4 year-old daughter: * points to a dead squirrel on the road* He was a boy. Me: How can you tell? 4 year-old: He was stupid. @XplodingUnicorn

 

63 – The hardest thing about parenting isn’t keeping kids fed or keeping kids alive or raising good humans, it’s doing all that while your toddler makes the most annoying sound in the world. @MyMomologue

 

64 – Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just spilt an M&M in half. An M&M. In half. @valeegrrl

 

65 – Clean your rooms! – silence. Let the dog out! – silence. Open a YouTube video – 2000 children appear behind you screaming they wanna see. @discourt

 

66 – My 4 yr old walked into the kitchen and immediately fell to the floor, started gagging, and screamed that dinner smelt disgusting. I was boiling water…for mac and cheese…that he requested. @mom_toddler

 

67 – My parenting style is best described as “no” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.” @2questionable

 

68 – My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill. This is not the motherhood I envisioned. @parkerlawyer

 

69 – My kid just ran full force into the wall twice because he wanted to. I’m just gonna start using his college fund to buy wine. @buriedwithkids

 

70 – I never realized how much of parenthood would involve competing with the dog for my kids’ leftover fries. @lurkathomemom

 

71 – Bedtime is the leading cause of dehydration in children. @Elizasoul80

 

72 – If you hear toddlers running around laughing hysterically, within 2 minutes at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically. @katewhinehall

 

73 – 4 year old: what happens when you die? Me: you go to heaven.  4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff? @XplodingUnicorn

 

74 – My 3yo has never seen Seinfeld but he still manages to enter rooms every time like Kramer. @parentnormal

 

75 – I tell my kids that it’s important to learn pointless algebra because someday they may have to help their kids learn pointless algebra. @cheeseboy22

 

76 – The hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys. @sarcasticmommy4

 

77 –“And I’m going to live with you forever and ever.”  Toddler threats. @mummacrazy

 

78 – Me: who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn’t see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate. @Xplodingunicorn

 

79 – My son wants two $50 Lego sets for Christmas so that he can make them and then 2 days later throw the pieces into his giant barrel of Legos. @Cheeseboy22

 

80 – Me: How do you want your steak cooked? Kids: Cook it so it tastes like chicken nuggets. @moooooog35

 

81 – Growing up I used to be afraid of the dark but now I’m afraid of hearing my toddler wake up in the middle of the night. @workingmom86

 

82 – To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow. @Xplodingunicorn

 

83 – Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles. @lurkathomemom

 

84 – I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise. @cray_at_home_ma

 

85 –I’ve come to the conclusion that parenting is 90% screaming at your kids to stop screaming at each other. @Jchawes

 

86 – (Married Pillow Talk) Husband: Tell me what you want…Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow. @petricksara

 

87 – Having kids means you finally finish your Christmas shopping and then your kids give you their “updated” Christmas lists. @Sarcasticmommy4

 

88 – My favorite part of parenting is the part every night where someone in the house is stomping around pissed off at me. @Hegemommy

 

89 –“Okay, what’s the next holiday? – Kids, 3:17pm, Christmas afternoon. @KateWouldHaveIt

 

90 –My kids throw a lot of shade for tiny people completely dependent on me for survival. @ponymartini

 

91 –The loudest sounds in the world: 3)jet engine, 2) nuclear explosion, 1) toddler throwing a temper tantrum in public. @Xplodingunicorn

 

92 –“it’s important to eat healthy foods,” I say, as I wait for my kids to fall asleep so I can eat junk food. @yenniwhite

 

93 – I love when my 11 yo says “I can’t take it anymore” and she’s talking about a homework assignment that involves drawing a picture @sardonictart

 

94 –I’m trying something new. I’m ignoring my kids when they ask a question I’ve already answered. So far, so good. I haven’t spoken in 5 days. @BPMbadassmama

 

95 – (At parent teacher conference) Teacher: She’s really doing great. Keep doing whatever you’re doing. Me, internally: So, chicken nuggests, unlimited screen time, and constantly doubting myself? Done. @ashleyaustrew

 

96 –My son just told me to stop embarrassing him out in public so it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle. @sarcasticmommy4

 

97 –My favorite thing about watching a new movie with my 5yr old is probably watching it 17 times a day for the next 3 months. @not_that_mom

 

98 – Sometimes when my 3yo hugs me out of nowhere it’s amazing and it makes it all worth it. Sometimes he’s just wiping his snot on my shirt. @dadandburied

 

99 – My 2 year old stood still and cooperated when I brushed her hair. Just kidding. I chased her through the house like Jason in a slasher flick. @Xplodingunicorn

 

100 – As a single dad with 4 kids I’ve learned simple tricks to make dinner easier on me. My favorite is “Go to your friends house.” @dropsnopanties

 

 

 

 

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